Wednesday Feb 03, 2010

My life really stinks sometimes. I was given 2 handsome boys whom I love very much! I was not a very good mother to either one of them. I became a mother before I was ready and tried to grow up while I left them with relatives, mostly my mother and brothers. Which was a big mistake. They both had issues while they were growing up and both of them ended up in jail at least once! I think I would have to say Nathan had it the hardest. When Phillip died in Aug 2006 he was in jail and I don't think he ever got passed that. Nathan places blame on everyone around him. Sure I was not always there for him and sure I screwed up my life and his , but why blame me for all his mistakes. Yes I made mistakes in my life but do I point the finger at all those who hurt me and tell them it is their fault, no! Okay I didn't have a great childhood or a great life and as I told him he has not seen or gone through half the stuff I have. And he knows this too! Tonite he pulled and all time low on me, he did not just delete me from his friends list but he calls me up and rubs it in my face. Says I can not call him at all or any member of my family and he will make sure of that. Of course as my aunt said he does not control what the rest of the family says or does. Why does he do things and says thing that hurt me. He knows how it makes me feel. Maybe that is it! I love that boy and have tried to be a mother and a friend to him. tried making up for whatever I did wrong in the past! But I think he blames me for Phillip's death and is punishing me for it. I cant say what it is but Nathan told me something in secret and he thinks i told someone else. I did not, not really! I only told someone about what he was saying about his hurt back and how he says he does not need pain killers. That boy is full of it or of himself! Times like this I wish I could call Phillip up and talk to him. He would call his brother up or go over to his house and and yell at him and maybe kick his butt! I am praying for a miracle from God! I worry about Nathan, he has dropped out of school and thinks the world owes him, mostly me and the rest of the family! What in the world can we do to make him grow up. I am so scared that his attitude will put in in jail or worse!