Monday Jan 25, 2010

OH BOY IS THIS GOING TO BE HARDER THAN I THOUGHT! I got up at 4 am with Steve and for breakfast I had a bowl of Special K cereal, a small glass of OJ, one cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin from weight watchers. Then at 10 I was hungry again, so I had a small bowl of the chicken and apples mix I made last night. I went for a walk this morning and it was a bit to cold to walk for a long time. I am trying to get myself into the diet and exercise routine but it is so hard! Well I am trying! How many times does one have to fight with their one demons, battle their own self just to be healthy. I am going nuts here. I am dreaming about burgers and other good stuff. Okay tonite I am having a salad with pineapples raisins and some turkey. Maybe I will have a half of a turkey sandwich! I am not sure yet, I know I got some yummy yogurt that I will have for a snack or something like that! Anyway I am looking forward to going home looking a bit smaller and slimmer than when I left! I will show my mom I can do it. I will show her and anyone else that I am not a big, fat, cow! Not that anyone has out and out called me that, but it s how they make me feel. Especially my mom. But as my cousin, who is much older than I said, I should not listen to what others say, I should only care about what I think and live my life to please God which in turn makes me happy too! I am wonder sometimes where I went down hill or in my case blew up like a hot air balloon. Thank God I can't float away! LOL! So how does one fight the urges that I am having. God all I want to do is go in the kitchen and eat some real food, but i remember we only have diet stuff! I am dieting for a reason, no like some chic who have small waste lines and say they are fat and go on diets. No I am really fat and I hate the way i look. There are times when I wonder if my husband could love me and fine me sexy like he once did! I miss the way things once was between us. I remember how he use to romance me, buying me flowers just because, spending his days off doing stuff with me, and even making breakfast in bed for me now and then. I can remember when he would come home from his weekend visits with his daughter and he would kiss me with passion. I remember how he use to hold me when I had nightmares or just because he loves to cuddle. Oh he still likes to cuddle, but I have to ask him to. He spends more time on the computer playing games than he does with me. When he comes home from work I don't get that same greeting I use to get. I just wonder where the passion has gone. O h don't get me wrong I know he loves me, but I just wonder where the passion went he use to have for me! Well maybe when I loose weight he will have that passion for me once again!