Friday Jan 8, 2010

I want to start off by letting my readers know something about me. I am the only girl our of 4 children, 2 older, one younger brothers. I was brought up in a poor environment. May family never had much and we struggled a lot. My parents divorced when I was 7 or 8, maybe 9. I don't have much memory of my childhood except the bad things. Oh I do have some good ones. Like there was this boy who lived across the street from me, who was my 1st boyfriend. I got my 1st kiss from a boy from him. It was just a small peck on the lips but hey it was still my 1st real boy kiss. I use to ride my bike all over the neighborhood with him and my brothers. Although we use to try to loose my brothers. My father use to abuse us when things did not go his way and even though she may not have realized she was doing it my mother abused me. She always put my brothers 1st, she would make me wear little boy clothes and I never really had many girl toys. My cousin gave me her barbie dolls one and my younger brother destroyed them and of course i got the blame. It always seemed that any time something went wrong it was my fault. I would get depressed and eat. I think I started gaining weight around my 14th ot 15th birthday. Although I never gained much until I got pregnant with my oldest child, Phillip. When I got into JR High, I started trying to be something I was not. I wanted friends but no one wanted to ever talk to me. I did make one friend in the 8th grade but even to this day i feel like she is only my friend when it is convenient for her. In the 9th grade I met my closest friends there. They were all older than me but I enjoyed being around them. There was Wayne who I named my 1st child after..Phillip Wayne. He was a so gorgeous and i wanted to be his girlfriend but he only saw me as a friend. I went to church with him and even started hanging out with him and Doug. Oh Doug now there was a dreamboat as my cousin called him. But he has eyes for Kathy. Kathy was a great friend. Her Erine and Devra all were like sisters to me. This group of friends never judged me on my class, my looks or even on weather or not my family had money or not. They all tried their best to make me feel special. And it worked. My 1st high school love was Richard. He was not cute but he was nice to me, but he broke up with me because I was not as smart as he was. I recently learned that while in the military he realized he was gay. Maybe he broke up with me cause he knew he was. Oh well that is water under the bridge. Then there was Jon. He and I dated off and on for 3 years. I am not sure why we ever broke up but when I got pregnant with Phillip his parents decided we should not see each other anymore. I have recently reconnected with him and his mom on facebook. Then there was Chris, Phillip's father. We we together off and on from 1988 to sometime after Phillip's 2nd birthday. One of my long time friends is Teresa. Her home was like a second home to me through out my teenage year and even after. I would say that as of today if I had to choice a god friend from the high school years and one I have stayed in touch with through the years, would be her. She was there for me through all my trials and tribulations. She was married to some guy in 1988 or sometime around there and they stayed married until sometimes after I got pregnant with my youngest con Nathan. You see Nathan is a product of her crazy ex's consistent way of making people do things they didn't really want to do, but made them feel as if it was all their fault. But that is something I don't talk about to many people. So that subject is closed now. Nathan was born Feb 28, 1992 almost 3 years after Phillip was born. Phillip's birthday was May 1, 1989. Now all I had was my 2 boys. Okay my family was there and helped me, but I always felt that they were only doing it for their own selfish reasons. My grandparents were good to me. I loved them all. My dad's mom, whom passed away in Jan of 1996 was a teacher at many things, but in a way I think I took advantage of her a lot. Sometimes I would leave the boys with her just so I could go meet up with some friends or so I could have a fling with some dude who i barely knew. "Sorry Grandma" Then My mom's parents....Granddaddy, whom died in July of 2000 was a strict disciplinarian. He helped me with the boys a lot. You know Phillip is also named after my granddaddy's father? My grandfather loved those boys. He did a lot of things for them and for me. Even though I was an unmarried mother he made me feel like it was just one of those things. He taught me about love and God. I remember when he got sick in 1998 after his stroke, it was hard on me. My grandfather was a man with whom I looked up too. My grandmother, Granny as we call her is still alive. She is the sweetest lady you will ever meet. I don't think she knows the meaning of mean. She is one with whom I could count on when I would get upset or depressed I could always call upon her. When my birthday rolls around she is one of the 1st people to call me to wish me a happy birthday.. Of course her down fall is my aunt Judy. Love Judy, but she is one of the laziest people I have ever known. Not meaning any disrespect to her. I can remember when her kids where little, she was always telling me to watch them just so she could sit on her behind. Of course I don't have much room to talk because when the boys where little i tended to pond them of on others for my own selfish reasons. However I always tried to keep my house clean, I never tried to pond the boys of on someone who had sick kids and was up all night. ( Yes she did that to me when Nathan was a baby. Phillip had the flu and Nathan was teething and was colicy.)Anyone then there is my Aunt Ginger whom to this day I have much respect. You know i use to not like her much. use to think she was a noisy busy body. But to be honest that is just her way. And it really puts things in preoperative for you. I would say i am closer to her than I am own parents and brothers. Now my bothers, Tim and John have never been married or do they have any kids! They still live with mom,or she lives with them. They take care of her. Although my mom is a user and a hypocongeract. I don't know about her to much. I love her but I can only spend some much time with her. My dad has remarried to another women, whom is a crazy loon. Her son and his family come 1st regardless of anything else. Like wheh Grandma was dying and they were all suppose to be taken tunrs sitting with her in the nursing home, Charlotte always came up with a reason why they couldnt or after 5 or 10 min they had to go, but when her mom was sick my dad had to drop everything to help. What is wrong with that pitcure. Then my brother Steve who was married to a wonderful woman named Wanda at one time tunil tradgy struc anyway. I feel I am closer to him than my other brothers or even most of my family members. I don't talk to him much but alot more than my other 2 brothers and I have them on speed dial. I have 2 nieces Christy and Heather. Christy is 2 days younger than Nathan and heather is almost 3 years younger than them. Then there was Skye, who only lived 3 days. Tecnally she was dead when she was born but that issue is sad and I won't go there now. Then there is my nephew wyatt whom Steve had with Robin. Anyway that is my family. My life up until 2000 was revloved around them. I have mnay aunts, uncles, and cousins with whom some I do know well and some I don't, but I feel my life really never started until April 5, 2000 when Stephen entered my life. Now I had been through many realtionships by this time and had my heart broken many times. I was actully at them point whe i thought nooone would ever love me or want me. I had a serious trust issue that almost cuase me to loose him forever. We met on one of those dating phone chat lines and if you could only understand my thinking at this point. I was sure I was never going to have a good man. I was sure I did not deserve somone who would treat me with the resopect I deserved, but on April 4, 2000 I dialed that number becuase one I was bored and 2 i was looking for a place to live. And yes he knew once we meet i had no place to call home. On April 5, 2000 we meet and my life changed forever. I dind't knw it them but I had just meet the one man who would give me the respect i deserved, the one person who would care about who I was and who I am. When my grandfather died in July he gave up half his vistation weekend with his daughters to be there for me and my family and he had barely just met them. I think that is when i knew he was my Mr. Right! Here we are almost 10 years after we meet and my life is diffrent becuase of him. He has moved me to diffrent states and has gladly been a good guinea pig while i taught myself to be a better cook. I am so glad that God put him in my life. Without him I would be in complete. In Aug of 2006, Phillip took his own life and Nathan has been in and out of trouble since. At this time in his life he is in a county jail awaitng a sentece hearing becuase his anger to the better of him. All I can do is pray for him. Now as for my health. I am overwieght, extrely overweight. I have back problem that prvents me from doing a lot of straineous excerise and all I want to do i loose about 150 pounds. Can I do it? I have too, so my health and for the future of the children of Brazil!
My husband Steve and I are trying to start a miisionary agency to help end child prostution. I am looking foward to that. Well this is the end of the day for me. I have been working on this and other things all day. Now I can sign out for the day and start a my deit and sprirutl things tomorrow. Mya God Bless all that read and follow my blog!