march 9, 2011

At some point in life everyone looks back at and wonders what if. How many times have I done that in the past 10 years I cant not begin to count. Next month I will be married 10 years to the same person and as I look back on our life together I have noticed that the romance has gone away. I mean yes every now and then he does something that is so sweet that it makes my head turn but then again I have also noticed that there was some kind of hint or 'someone' had to point him in the right direction. For valentines day I made him a very romantic meal, with a big romantic scene. Music flowers and candles. I have now doubt that he loves me and I know he is committed to me 100% but sometimes it feels like he is just existing in the marriage. Anyway I am not really compiling just wondering is all. I will be 41 at the end of this month and I just started looking at things in my life differently lately. i am even trying to find out where my heritage beings. I stated tracing my ancestry a few days ago and I have found that my dad's parents are hard to trace. I found records of the births of their children and of my grandparents deaths but for some odd reason i can not find their birth records. And on my mom's side I have found that my grandmother grandparents were distant cousins. How nasty is that. That sure explains why most of the people in my family are messed up in the head. I also found out, even though i knew it already that my grandfather's mother was murdered by some guy who had just been realized a few weeks earlier from a psych ward. He went in to the store she was at and killed her and 2 other people. And all he got was 5 years in a psych ward. I am contiuing my quest to find where my family tree starts and if thier is any famous people in our family tree. Wouldnt that be cool!

March 1, 2011

Yesterday my baby boy turned 19 and today my oldest niece turns 19. I remember when they were born. It was leap year and they were born 2 days apart in 2 diffrent hospitals on the other side of town from each other. It was kinda funny becuase my mom was back and forth for a few days. Now today my oldest niece has turned away from the family and in a way so has my son. Yes I still talk to my son and am able to send message to my neice on an occasion but it is not the same as it use to be. Life is so diffrent from then. My husband who also has twin daughter who just turned 19 last month is distant from them. They do not like me becuase it has been put in thier head that I am the reason why his parents divorced. My husband ex wife and ex mother in law has told ever one that Steve was having an affair with me while he and Sarah were still married. Which is far from the truth. The sepreated in June of 1999 and we met the April of 2000. My life is an open book to people I know and I have never denied how or how I meet my husband and if I did meet him while he was married to sarah I sure won't denie it.

February 19, 2011

Blogging is a good form to use when you want to vent or make comments about things without hurting people or even if you want to say something good about what is going on in life. Today started out good and then all hell broke loose. You see the house we live in has a basement and at 1st I would not even go down there but I slowly started making progress and going down there. The steps that lead down there are narrow and steep and has no hand rails. The only thing to hold onto is the wall. Well today as i was taken a load of clothes down to the basement I fell hit my back on the hard concrete steps and my head on the wall. And by the way the wall is also concrete. So my head hurts and so does my back. I am also feeling light headed and dizzy. OMG I HURT LIKE I WAS RUN OVER BY A MAC TRUCK. Okay I would be dead in that case but you get the idea right?And my husband is working today, manadory overtime. But when he gets home I am going to go to the ER and make sure I dont have a concusion or anything like that. HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday March 30, 2010

With tomorrow being my 40th birthday I am a bit ecited and a bit nervous. I know this means that I am older but I do not feel it. Even though I am over weight I feel I am in good health and tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and I will then find out for sure what kind of health I am in. I do not have much planned tomorrow and I am looking forward to a nice quite day tomorrow. Well this sis all for now.

Wednesday March 24, 2010

Yestersay my son and I reached a new level in our relationship. He and his soon to be wife and her children want to come and see me. They are driving up Thursday to spend the weekend with us. I am trying so hard to change things in my life. I wonder life would be like if everyone could be happy all the time. You see in a week I will be 40 and even though some may look at it as getting old I do not. It is only a number. My age does not bother me, it is the way I look. And even though I am trying to loose the weight I sometimes find myself slurging and eating junk food like I was before weight watchers. I am kinda getting lazy again. What am I doing to myself. Part of me want to loose wieght but the other part is scared to loose it. Can I really do it? Will my life be diffrent? Will I be diffrent? How will my life change once the weight is gone? Mostly what scares me is the attention I will bring to myelf. People who know me and people who don't know me will look at me diffrent. That too scares me. Well maybe I should see a therpist for that. Well I am going to keep my head above water sorta speak and try to stay on the diet.

Saturday March 13, 2010

I am sorry I have not posted in a while. I started a new carrer at the end of Feb and have been busy getting it up off the ground. Today I will be going to weigh in for the 1st time in almost 3 weeks. If it was not the busy schedule it was something else. For about 2 weeks I was fighting a real bad cold or maybe it was the flu. I am not sure which, I just know I was fighting this thing and between the fever and not being able to breath I lost a lot of sleep. Plus Steve has been working so much these past weeks trying to make sure we had moeny for rent and other things too. We kicked out our roommate becuase of the lack of rent she was paying us. Along with other reason which I a just not in the mood to go into. I pray that we won't fall beind in any bills. They riased his child support again and we will be lucky to get $100 each week. They still have not hired him on premenant and I am being to think they are not going to. What is taking them so long. I will post more after I get back from weighing in. Today is going to be a cleaning day since Steve has the weekend off! Okay well I lost a tenth of a pound since I last wieghed in. Well I am retaining water this week plus I have not gotten out to get any excerise! Well Next week will be a diffrent time!

Saturday Feb 20, 2010

OH WOW! I can not believe I have lost a total of 11.2 pounds. How did that happen! I mean I am surprised with myself but at the same time I am so proud of myself! I have been calling people all morning, well not all morning. I did take a nap. I kept seeing those pounds walk away from me in my sleep and I hear GOD tell me how proud He is of me! Now here is one, I called my mom and she said those words I never thought I would hear her say, that she was proud of me. Hear I am almost 40 years old and the 1st time in my life she says she is proud of me. I have done things in my life that makes others proud of me and it takes me loosing weight to make her proud of me! WOW this day has been a day to remember! I have not told Steve yet, but only cause he is working. But I know he will be proud of me. I can not wait to tell him. I love bragging on myself. It may sound a bit coincided but I feel I deserve this. Anyone who has struggle with weight or any kind of problems in their life time and has a milestone as I have deserves to brag! I wish Nathan was talking to me so I could tell him! I know he would be thrilled for me! Anyway I won't talk about him, I can not let myself get down! I hear Satan trying to tell me that I am fat and always will be but I also hear GOD telling me He is proud of me and keep up the good work! I only have 231.4 pounds to go until I am at my goal weight! I am very excited about the weight loss. I think joining weigh watchers was an excellent decision. I have becomemore aware of what and how much I eat! WOW! I still can not believe it! I hope it is not a dream!

Saturday Feb 13, 2010

WOW, I LOST 3.6 LBS! I am so excited about that! I had a great week. Found another cool way to excerise when it is too cold to walk. You see max, my dog, loves to wrestle and I am also in the middle of obedance tranning. I love that dog! Anyway i get abou the same amount of exceise wrestling for 10 min than I would walking for 5! Intersting, right? I bought a yoga mat, well for pilates. I was doing it at one time, but lost track of it! I want to get back into. When i did it before my posutre was better and I felt better! Well I did not have much back problems! Well I got a pilates video and a excerise ball that I bought at a yard sale in the summer time! Okay I am so ready for spring! I am buying a bike, and so is Steve! We will be riding our bikes all over the place, well mostly me! I can not wait til then! Wish I could afford one now! All I can do is look around for one! We will see!

Monday Feb 08, 2010

Well i slept passed brakfast this morning. I am not very hungry today for some reason. I guess a lot of it has to due with the amount of food I ate yesterday. I do feel guilty though, but today I am not eating anything but fruits and veggies. I had a nice salad and a banana and a can of pinapples for lunch! For dinner I will have another salad and another banana. Don't have anymore pinapples so I will probaly have an orange or a grapefruit! Don't think I will have much to drink today, maybe a glass of water here and there! We will see what happens! Valentines Day is only 6 days away! I can't wait to then. I am not sure what he has planned but Steve has already told his boss he can't work that day.....it is on a Sunday anyways!
Well I just had dinner. I wind up eating a lean steak sandwhich on low fat wheat bread. I used 8 points for dinner I think, now I think I am going to have a nice giant fudge bar.....no worries it a weight watchers bar.

Sunday February 07,2010

Okay I went over my limit today! In a way I am kinda ashamed of myself, but in other ways it was a party and that is what the extra points are for! No matter what I am fasting tomorrow and Tuesday too! Nothing but fruits and veggies! I have plenty of fruits and veggies to eat. Veggies like Spinach, Romain lettuce, mustard greens and fruits like bananas, oranges, strawberries and grapefruit. I made sure I had enough too and just in case I need a quick sugar fix I have some weight watchers snack cakes and brownies! But I am not even going to think of that stuff! Well I made a new friend today, well a few of them really. I have somone to go wxcwrise with. They told me about this place that they have on tuesdays, which is okay with me, now i can go back to wednesday night weight watchers meeting again or go to saturdays, which ever. Anyway these people are very nice and one of them has 3 beautiful kids which i offered to babysit anytime they needed one and of course so did Amber! Persoanl, if it was me, I would rather a a person with experince watching my kids that a flighty college student and I am sorry to say that but it is true in some ways. Even she has admitted to being a bit flighty at times. She is a good kid and all but she is always late and no matter how much you push her she forgets thinks and looses things. She has misplaced her credit card twice since she has lived here and her house key a few times and recently she mis placed her cell phone! Okay I know we all have been a bitflighty at times but not this much. I have never in my life ever been late any where or any time! That is the way I raised, plus she is very messy and i have threanted to start chrging her if she did not start cleaning up after herslef! Well I think that kinda helped some we will see!! I can not wait to see my new friends again!
Anyway I am looking forward to next sunday

Satueday February 06, 2010

Today ends another week on the weight watchers program and I have caught myself getting a bit lazy! However I will try my best to improve things, including my exercise! How will I begin this week? Well tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday and I am making some turkey chili, stuffed mushrooms, mozzarella sticks,cornbread and crackers for the chili, cheese dip and tortilla chips and I am thinking of serving hot dogs or some kind of sandwich too! Maybe some Philly cheese steak sandwiches! Now I have 35 extra points to use on top of the 44 daily points, I am just wondering if I will wind up using some of my 35 extra. I hope not all! We will see how things go! I will write more tomorrow or Monday morning depending on when the game ends!

Wednesday Feb 03, 2010

My life really stinks sometimes. I was given 2 handsome boys whom I love very much! I was not a very good mother to either one of them. I became a mother before I was ready and tried to grow up while I left them with relatives, mostly my mother and brothers. Which was a big mistake. They both had issues while they were growing up and both of them ended up in jail at least once! I think I would have to say Nathan had it the hardest. When Phillip died in Aug 2006 he was in jail and I don't think he ever got passed that. Nathan places blame on everyone around him. Sure I was not always there for him and sure I screwed up my life and his , but why blame me for all his mistakes. Yes I made mistakes in my life but do I point the finger at all those who hurt me and tell them it is their fault, no! Okay I didn't have a great childhood or a great life and as I told him he has not seen or gone through half the stuff I have. And he knows this too! Tonite he pulled and all time low on me, he did not just delete me from his friends list but he calls me up and rubs it in my face. Says I can not call him at all or any member of my family and he will make sure of that. Of course as my aunt said he does not control what the rest of the family says or does. Why does he do things and says thing that hurt me. He knows how it makes me feel. Maybe that is it! I love that boy and have tried to be a mother and a friend to him. tried making up for whatever I did wrong in the past! But I think he blames me for Phillip's death and is punishing me for it. I cant say what it is but Nathan told me something in secret and he thinks i told someone else. I did not, not really! I only told someone about what he was saying about his hurt back and how he says he does not need pain killers. That boy is full of it or of himself! Times like this I wish I could call Phillip up and talk to him. He would call his brother up or go over to his house and and yell at him and maybe kick his butt! I am praying for a miracle from God! I worry about Nathan, he has dropped out of school and thinks the world owes him, mostly me and the rest of the family! What in the world can we do to make him grow up. I am so scared that his attitude will put in in jail or worse!

Monday Feb 01, 2010

After fighting a cold for week I must have caught a bit of the stomach flu/virus! Have been up all night with stomach issues! I have been good about following my weight watchers diet! They give you so many points per day plus and extra 35 a week if you want to splurge on something, like a chocolate cake or something like that. Not that I am or anything. Execpt for the weight watchers snake cakes I have not eaten anything like that in a very long time! The thing is I get 44 points a day and i am lucky if i use 30. I think I went passes 30 once or twice. One day I used only 15. Next Sunday the 7th is Super Bowl Sunday and I am looking foward to it. I found a low calorie turkey chili that I plan on cooking on Super Bowl Sunday! Plus I am making some stuffed mushrooms! WOW I can not beleive how musch one can eat for very little points!

Wednesday Jan 27,2010

I am fighting a cold this week. Wish spring would hurry up and get here! On to a brighter subject! I have started reading the book of Proverbs. I read it once before....a long time ago, but I do not remember it all! I know the book of Proverbs teaches about the Lords will and consequences and things like that, I think! Well I gotta read to be sure!
But today I want to talk about a good friend of mine, who I know loves the Lord as much as Steve and I do! Her name is the same as my mother, but is a bit nicer to me. She is the pastor of our church and is a wonderful friend. If you miss church she will call to check on you. This morning she called to check on my grandmother even though I was at church on Sunday! Well we have not been at bible study in quite sometime because of the extra hours he has worked but tonite we are for sure! I can not wait! I wonder sometimes abut other people and my trust in people is not very good! I have been married to Steve going on 9 years in April and I still have some trust issues with him. I think alot of it has to do with my past. I am working on it, believe me when I say this I trust him more today than I did when we 1st started dating, even more than I did a few years ago! I am slowly becoming more of a trust worthy person! Anyway back to Bonnie. She is a very sweet and caring person! Do you know how hard it is to find a person, even a person who is a minister or pastor that I can trust. Considering how many people have deceived me and Steve in our lifetime we do not have many people that we know we can trust! Anyway Nathan and i are talking now, and working on our realtionship. Of course he made the 1st move. Wonder if i could get him to work on his reationship with God? We will do ti slowly, one thing at a time!
Okay did not go to church tonite but wind up going to weigh watchers meeting....AND I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF...I LOST 5 LBS FROM LAST WEEK TO TODAY!

Monday Jan 25, 2010

OH BOY IS THIS GOING TO BE HARDER THAN I THOUGHT! I got up at 4 am with Steve and for breakfast I had a bowl of Special K cereal, a small glass of OJ, one cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin from weight watchers. Then at 10 I was hungry again, so I had a small bowl of the chicken and apples mix I made last night. I went for a walk this morning and it was a bit to cold to walk for a long time. I am trying to get myself into the diet and exercise routine but it is so hard! Well I am trying! How many times does one have to fight with their one demons, battle their own self just to be healthy. I am going nuts here. I am dreaming about burgers and other good stuff. Okay tonite I am having a salad with pineapples raisins and some turkey. Maybe I will have a half of a turkey sandwich! I am not sure yet, I know I got some yummy yogurt that I will have for a snack or something like that! Anyway I am looking forward to going home looking a bit smaller and slimmer than when I left! I will show my mom I can do it. I will show her and anyone else that I am not a big, fat, cow! Not that anyone has out and out called me that, but it s how they make me feel. Especially my mom. But as my cousin, who is much older than I said, I should not listen to what others say, I should only care about what I think and live my life to please God which in turn makes me happy too! I am wonder sometimes where I went down hill or in my case blew up like a hot air balloon. Thank God I can't float away! LOL! So how does one fight the urges that I am having. God all I want to do is go in the kitchen and eat some real food, but i remember we only have diet stuff! I am dieting for a reason, no like some chic who have small waste lines and say they are fat and go on diets. No I am really fat and I hate the way i look. There are times when I wonder if my husband could love me and fine me sexy like he once did! I miss the way things once was between us. I remember how he use to romance me, buying me flowers just because, spending his days off doing stuff with me, and even making breakfast in bed for me now and then. I can remember when he would come home from his weekend visits with his daughter and he would kiss me with passion. I remember how he use to hold me when I had nightmares or just because he loves to cuddle. Oh he still likes to cuddle, but I have to ask him to. He spends more time on the computer playing games than he does with me. When he comes home from work I don't get that same greeting I use to get. I just wonder where the passion has gone. O h don't get me wrong I know he loves me, but I just wonder where the passion went he use to have for me! Well maybe when I loose weight he will have that passion for me once again!

Sunday Jan 24, 2010

Okay let us talk about addictions! Believe it or not everyone has some kind of addiction. You got addictions to shopping, Internet use, porn, drugs, alcohol, and yes even FOOD! This morning as I was driving back from dropping Steve off at work I was thinking about something a good friend of mine told me and he knows who he is! He said when you have an addiction you have to 1st let Jesus come and let him work strength and will power as he did with his problem! God gives us the courage so we can fight our addictions but we must ask him to help us and guide us! Anyway as I was thinking about what he said to me it hit me that even though I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol I too have an addiction that I must fight! I love food and the bad thing is we need food to live. But when we use food as a crutch to get attention or to help us get past those moments in our lives where we wish we were dead, that is wrong. Food was meant to be a substance to give our bodies the strength and nourishment to get through life. But I must eat only for the substance to maintain my daily life. I can do without some things, like chocolate and sodas and pies and cakes and cookies! I don't need them, although I must admit I love them all! I am not going to say i will never eat those again because even I know that would be a lie in itself, but maybe instead I can just cut back back on the things I do eat. I am eating smaller healthier meals. Last night we had baked chicken with long grain rice and mustard greens. AND I HAD NO BREAD! Boy that was hard! For dessert I made us some smoothies. I have a recipe I use that is healthy and it tasted so good!
2 whole banana cut up, 1 pint of plain vanilla yogurt, 1/2 cup of fat free milk, 1 1/2 cups of strawberries, 1 cut of ice, 2 tablespoons of honey and 1 tablespoon of OJ! Oh My Goodness it was sooooooo good! And the thing is my roommate loved it and she does not like anything that does not have sugar in it! It was good! So you see I feel I am doing better with my diet! Now if i can just get up and exercise more, but it is so cold out who wants to walk! LOL! No I know I need to and I plan on doing so as often as I can. maybe what I should do is getting walking partner. Like my neighbor. Now there is a good friend! Well this is all for now. Will try to post more tonite! HUGS AND KISSES TO ALL!

Saturday Januray 23, 2010

I did not write last night because my grandmother was admitted to the hospital for congested heart failure, but they later said it was not that but something different. They are thinking it is a hernia that is pressing against her chest cavity! Last I heard from the Nathan, who is sitting up there with Granny, she is doing better. She is breathing better and even though still kinda weak she is doing much better. I made a promise to God that if he let her live just a little while longer I would star taking my diet more serious. Okay here is the truth about the diet. I did go to the weight watchers, but I have had a few moments of weakness. I broke down yesterday and and bought a cheeseburger and some fries. I had some pancakes yesterday and this morning. Okay question: I have always been told to eat a big breakfast and a small dinner. But recently I was told to eat 3 small meals and some says 6 small meals. So my question is this: Which is better for someone trying to loose weight? Well I guess that is one for a doctor. Speaking of doctors. I recently found out I have anemia and low blood pressure! As well as low blood sugar! But I still need to loose weight and I need to learn to get off my butt and exercise more, go for walks. maybe what I should do is have pact with myself and Steve! Keep a log of all the exercise I do and when I walk so many miles and do so many push ups or whatever I need to do, and then I can treat my self to a sundae at Culver's or something like that! Well that something I need to sit down and talk with Steve about. Next week Steve says I can pay for weight watchers program. I can not wait! I am going to loose the weight! You know there is this real pretty dress that someone gave me and I put it aside and said one day I will fit into that. What I should do is have that dress hanging on the back of the bedroom door so I can remind myself of what I need to do! I wonder if my aunt has a picture of me when I was younger! Boy I can remember when I has small waist line. I can remember when I could walk several miles without feeling exhausted or my back hurting or hurting anywhere for that matter. I use to love to walk, I use to love to ride my bike. With our income tax return, if we get any back, I am buying me and Steve both a bike! I will ride it everywhere I can! I am going to start walking to the college, which is a few blocks from my house, everyday! I can take Max with me, maybe this will also help me get that dog leash trained! I have been lying to myself all these years, telling myself I can start loosing the weight next month, I will never be over 300 pounds. Now here I am and I weigh almost 400 pounds! And I am not proud of it! I have this long mirror in my room and when I look at myself in the mirror I am disgusted with the way I look. I can not understand how Steve can look at me little lone have sex with me. But he says he loves me and he will support me while I am dieting! I am going to do this, not just for myself, but for God as well and for Steve. Of course there is those beautiful children in Brazil who need me to be healthy! Okay God I will do as you tell me and loose this weight as well as be a great role model for your little children! Well until next time....I hope to see some comments on here. I need suggestions on food portions and so forth! Later!

Thursday Januray 21, 2010

Yesterday I talked to my mom and I told her all that is going on. She basically called me a fat cow and made me feel as small as a nat! Why does she do this to me? What is it about me that makes her treat me this way? Well I know it is not me really, but she always still finds away to make me feel bad. Oh well I have steve in my life and when someone like my mom brings my mood down, he knows how to life my spirits. That is why ilove him so much!
I can not wait til springtime! I might have more energy than I do now! I need to start doing some serious excerise soon or I will be a big fat cow! Will post moe later!

Tuesday Jan 19, 2010

I went to bed last night, nor feeling that well and i was tossing and turning all night. I had a bad stoamche ache this morning when woke up and when i got Steve off to work I went back to bed. I was only planning to sleep a few hours but slept about 4 hours maybe 4. I got up and put a rump roast in the crock pot and just relaxed for the day. After Steve finished worked we went to store to get a few things. Now all I feel like doing is sleeping the night away. Just really not much into things.

Monday, Jan 18, 2010

Sorry I have not written since last Wednesday, but I have been fighting a cold plus Steve took the weekend off and we decided to spend time doing something other than the Internet. Saturday we spent the day in Steve's home town, which is about an hour from where we live now. Okay he grew up in Elgin, but we are on the boarder. We 1st went to see Mary and her family. She lives not to far from the street Steve grew up on. She bought us lunch at our favorite pizza place. Believe me when I say this if you eat more than one slice your going to be full. Those pizza are so good! Anyway we spent most of the day at her house and then we went to church with his friend Kurt. Boy it was nice to see him happy. Sunday we spent the day playing games and watching the Cowboys loose to the Vikings. We won't go there. And we had a great time together! I love that man so much.
Tonite for dinner we are having fillet Mignon, baked beans, baked potato and a salad. Weight watchers say that fillet Mignon is the best and healthiest cut of steak because it has the least amount of fat, if any! Of course you have to leave off the bacon, LOL! I think for dessert I will be making some thing with strawberries. I love strawberries! I also love oranges and bananas, but I love strawberries even more!
Boy oh boy that was a big meal and now I am stuffed!