march 9, 2011

At some point in life everyone looks back at and wonders what if. How many times have I done that in the past 10 years I cant not begin to count. Next month I will be married 10 years to the same person and as I look back on our life together I have noticed that the romance has gone away. I mean yes every now and then he does something that is so sweet that it makes my head turn but then again I have also noticed that there was some kind of hint or 'someone' had to point him in the right direction. For valentines day I made him a very romantic meal, with a big romantic scene. Music flowers and candles. I have now doubt that he loves me and I know he is committed to me 100% but sometimes it feels like he is just existing in the marriage. Anyway I am not really compiling just wondering is all. I will be 41 at the end of this month and I just started looking at things in my life differently lately. i am even trying to find out where my heritage beings. I stated tracing my ancestry a few days ago and I have found that my dad's parents are hard to trace. I found records of the births of their children and of my grandparents deaths but for some odd reason i can not find their birth records. And on my mom's side I have found that my grandmother grandparents were distant cousins. How nasty is that. That sure explains why most of the people in my family are messed up in the head. I also found out, even though i knew it already that my grandfather's mother was murdered by some guy who had just been realized a few weeks earlier from a psych ward. He went in to the store she was at and killed her and 2 other people. And all he got was 5 years in a psych ward. I am contiuing my quest to find where my family tree starts and if thier is any famous people in our family tree. Wouldnt that be cool!

March 1, 2011

Yesterday my baby boy turned 19 and today my oldest niece turns 19. I remember when they were born. It was leap year and they were born 2 days apart in 2 diffrent hospitals on the other side of town from each other. It was kinda funny becuase my mom was back and forth for a few days. Now today my oldest niece has turned away from the family and in a way so has my son. Yes I still talk to my son and am able to send message to my neice on an occasion but it is not the same as it use to be. Life is so diffrent from then. My husband who also has twin daughter who just turned 19 last month is distant from them. They do not like me becuase it has been put in thier head that I am the reason why his parents divorced. My husband ex wife and ex mother in law has told ever one that Steve was having an affair with me while he and Sarah were still married. Which is far from the truth. The sepreated in June of 1999 and we met the April of 2000. My life is an open book to people I know and I have never denied how or how I meet my husband and if I did meet him while he was married to sarah I sure won't denie it.

February 19, 2011

Blogging is a good form to use when you want to vent or make comments about things without hurting people or even if you want to say something good about what is going on in life. Today started out good and then all hell broke loose. You see the house we live in has a basement and at 1st I would not even go down there but I slowly started making progress and going down there. The steps that lead down there are narrow and steep and has no hand rails. The only thing to hold onto is the wall. Well today as i was taken a load of clothes down to the basement I fell hit my back on the hard concrete steps and my head on the wall. And by the way the wall is also concrete. So my head hurts and so does my back. I am also feeling light headed and dizzy. OMG I HURT LIKE I WAS RUN OVER BY A MAC TRUCK. Okay I would be dead in that case but you get the idea right?And my husband is working today, manadory overtime. But when he gets home I am going to go to the ER and make sure I dont have a concusion or anything like that. HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday March 30, 2010

With tomorrow being my 40th birthday I am a bit ecited and a bit nervous. I know this means that I am older but I do not feel it. Even though I am over weight I feel I am in good health and tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and I will then find out for sure what kind of health I am in. I do not have much planned tomorrow and I am looking forward to a nice quite day tomorrow. Well this sis all for now.

Wednesday March 24, 2010

Yestersay my son and I reached a new level in our relationship. He and his soon to be wife and her children want to come and see me. They are driving up Thursday to spend the weekend with us. I am trying so hard to change things in my life. I wonder life would be like if everyone could be happy all the time. You see in a week I will be 40 and even though some may look at it as getting old I do not. It is only a number. My age does not bother me, it is the way I look. And even though I am trying to loose the weight I sometimes find myself slurging and eating junk food like I was before weight watchers. I am kinda getting lazy again. What am I doing to myself. Part of me want to loose wieght but the other part is scared to loose it. Can I really do it? Will my life be diffrent? Will I be diffrent? How will my life change once the weight is gone? Mostly what scares me is the attention I will bring to myelf. People who know me and people who don't know me will look at me diffrent. That too scares me. Well maybe I should see a therpist for that. Well I am going to keep my head above water sorta speak and try to stay on the diet.

Saturday March 13, 2010

I am sorry I have not posted in a while. I started a new carrer at the end of Feb and have been busy getting it up off the ground. Today I will be going to weigh in for the 1st time in almost 3 weeks. If it was not the busy schedule it was something else. For about 2 weeks I was fighting a real bad cold or maybe it was the flu. I am not sure which, I just know I was fighting this thing and between the fever and not being able to breath I lost a lot of sleep. Plus Steve has been working so much these past weeks trying to make sure we had moeny for rent and other things too. We kicked out our roommate becuase of the lack of rent she was paying us. Along with other reason which I a just not in the mood to go into. I pray that we won't fall beind in any bills. They riased his child support again and we will be lucky to get $100 each week. They still have not hired him on premenant and I am being to think they are not going to. What is taking them so long. I will post more after I get back from weighing in. Today is going to be a cleaning day since Steve has the weekend off! Okay well I lost a tenth of a pound since I last wieghed in. Well I am retaining water this week plus I have not gotten out to get any excerise! Well Next week will be a diffrent time!

Saturday Feb 20, 2010

OH WOW! I can not believe I have lost a total of 11.2 pounds. How did that happen! I mean I am surprised with myself but at the same time I am so proud of myself! I have been calling people all morning, well not all morning. I did take a nap. I kept seeing those pounds walk away from me in my sleep and I hear GOD tell me how proud He is of me! Now here is one, I called my mom and she said those words I never thought I would hear her say, that she was proud of me. Hear I am almost 40 years old and the 1st time in my life she says she is proud of me. I have done things in my life that makes others proud of me and it takes me loosing weight to make her proud of me! WOW this day has been a day to remember! I have not told Steve yet, but only cause he is working. But I know he will be proud of me. I can not wait to tell him. I love bragging on myself. It may sound a bit coincided but I feel I deserve this. Anyone who has struggle with weight or any kind of problems in their life time and has a milestone as I have deserves to brag! I wish Nathan was talking to me so I could tell him! I know he would be thrilled for me! Anyway I won't talk about him, I can not let myself get down! I hear Satan trying to tell me that I am fat and always will be but I also hear GOD telling me He is proud of me and keep up the good work! I only have 231.4 pounds to go until I am at my goal weight! I am very excited about the weight loss. I think joining weigh watchers was an excellent decision. I have becomemore aware of what and how much I eat! WOW! I still can not believe it! I hope it is not a dream!